Hurting Heart

My heart is just a little achy this afternoon...  Last week both my babies headed off to school.  I thought I was fine...  now I'm not so sure.  This past weekend proved that they are both (mostly Abi) struggling with the transition to growing up...  I just dropped Dan off at preK, went to Home Depot for trim and came home.  I walked in the door and started sobbing. Where did that come from??  

Is it because I'm worried that Abi doesn't want to go to school in the mornings?  She's always loved school!  1st grade has no play time and lots of learning... Its proving to be a tough transition for her. That along with a new "big kid" Sunday school class is proving to be a lot for her all at once!

Is it because my baby is in preK and I don't know where the time went?  But I've been excited about all this and looking forward to it!  Why is it so hard?  I haven't even figured out how to be a good Mom yet, and now they're spending too much time with other people!

Is it because I'm just so tired of work stress - and by that I mean just the stress of trying to get hrs. And then when I do get hrs, they are crappy hrs and I'm tired?

Is it just because I'm tired?

Is it because I made a choice to go deeper with God?  And I've actually been in the Word this week and I feel more discouraged than I ever have!?

...I'm sure Its a little bit of all of the above...

But today my heart feels a little bruised... 

First day of Preschool... How is this day here already???

Today my baby (she was just born yesterday, wasn't she???) starts preschool...  For more than 2 years she has been begging to "pleeeease let me go to school!" and "pleeeease let me ride the school bus!"  She has been excited and counting down the weeks all summer, while I've been trying not to think about it and fighting back the tears. Yesterday was "practice day." We got to ride the bus to school together and go to orientation. On the way home Abi had already made a new friend and I had to find my own seat!  :)  I was nervous about today for her because I wasn't quite sure if she realized that she was going by herself this time.  She was ready and waiting for the bus a full half hour early.  As the bus rounded the corner I reached to give her a hug and a kiss...  she pushed me away with a "Mah-aamm!", ran on the bus and never looked back.  She is SO ready for this! ...I am SO not...  I held in the tears long enough for the bus to round the corner and Kris to leave for work and then came inside to sob my heart out...  I think this is the hardest parenting thing I've had to do yet. ...the start of letting go... ...and I hate it.  I had to compose myself so as not to freak Dan out - he's a little lost as it is without "Sissy" here!  I spent the morning frantically cleaning the house to keep myself busy and pass the time - I was a bit in shock at how easy it was to clean with only one sweet kid under foot...  I must have turned the vacuum off a million times to check my phone and listen to every passing car... ...and then - she was home!!  Absolutely as happy as can be!  She had the time of her life!!  She's a bit upset that tomorrow is Saturday and she can't go again till Monday...

Happy Mother's Day!!

THE INVISIBLE MOM Never forget... God sees... One of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?' Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.' Some days I'm a crystal ball; 'Where's my other sock?, Where's my phone?, What's for dinner?' I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history, music and literature -but now, they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone! One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . She had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when she turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: 'With admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.' In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: 1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. 2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. 3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. 4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything. A story of legend in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.' I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, no Cub Scout meeting, no last minute errand is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree. When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, he'd say, 'You're gonna love it there...' As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible mothers.

RSV to Norovirus!

Its been a pretty awful 18 days at the Milo house and here's why:


Sat 3/3   I notice Abi starts coughing.
Sun 3/4   The cough is pretty bad and now a fever.
Mon 3/5  Thankfully the fever is gone already so I assume that this was just her norm - fever every time she's sick...
Wed 3/7   Danny starts coughing.
Thurs 3/8   Abi is getting no better and now Danny doesn't sound good. So we head to the pediatrician. Dr. can't find anything but sends both kids home on antibiotics anyway. Later that night Danny wakes up barking like a seal and his breathing sounds awful.  I assume that its croup and take him into a steamy bathroom to help his breathing.  Call the Pediatrician and she agrees that its croup and mentions giving him Tylenol to help with a fever, but he has no fever!  ...till I get off the phone and his fever spikes to 103.3!  Ugh.
Sat 3/10   Danny is still no better. No longer sounds like croup, but still has a fever and horrid cough. So we head back to the pediatrician. We end up getting chest x-rays and the pediatrician is worried about possible pneumonia. She sends us straight to the ER.  In the ER they decide that its not pneumonia, but RSV.  That explains a lot.  Dan won't eat or drink and hasn't peed in a day so he winds up getting a IV fluid bolus.  Great - I just realized I'm not feeling well either.
Sun 3/11  We can't get Dan's temp under 103.3 with Tylenol and Motrin all night so Kris takes him back to the ER.  He eventually comes home after being told to "wait it out."
Mon 3/12   I feel so sick.  Kris tells me he's got a soar throat as well.
Tues 3/12   I can barely move I feel so cruddy!  And Danny is STILL running a fever. I call in to work for the second time in a week.
Wed 3/13   Danny's fever has finally broken for the first time in a week and he's starting to eat and drink a little better.
Thurs 3/14   I'm still completely exhausted, but I need to get to work!  Abi has been fine now for a couple days and Danny seems OK so I go to work 3-11.
Fri 3/15   All seems to be well so I'll pick up another shift at work this evening 3-11.  Oh, no...  wait - its 1pm and I'm getting ready for work...  I'm a little worried about the fact Dan has been refusing food all day...  He wakes up screaming and projectile vomits all over the room and me.  I call in to work... again!  Danny spends the rest of the afternoon spitting up and has diarrhea in the evening, but by 6pm he seems a little hungry and eats something. What a relief!
Sat 3/16   Dan is still tired and cranky, so I take Abi to church and the guys stay home.  When we get home from church Abi asks for a snack.  She eats some popcorn and immediately starts complaining of a stomach ache.  Not realizing what's going on, after a couple hrs of her complaining I decide she must be hungry and try to get her to eat an animal cracker.  All is lost in a big mess on the couch.  (Huge props to Kris for cleaning it so well we will never even remember!) Poor Abi spends the rest of the night vomiting every 20 minutes till about 4:30am - then we finally get a fitful 2 hrs of tossing and turning...
Sun 3/17    Kris doesn't feel well...  I can't decide if I'm sick or its just anxiety!  Abi won't eat, but I can get her to drink and she seems OK - The Ped is telling me to take her to the ER for dehydration eval, but she's ok and I don't.  Kris spends the afternoon on the toilet.  Abi has been running a fever since early this morning so I'm trying to keep Tylenol in her without her throwing it up.  At 7pm I give her one more "pre bed" dose - she immediately throws up.  Kris sees and says he's going to go do the same thing.  Abi throws up - I calm her down, run to the bathroom to check on Kris.  He says he's ok so I run back to clean up Abi.  I hear Kris come to the door - he says something that is not comprehensible.  I say, "what?"  I hear, "not...good..." and a crash.  I run to the bathroom to find my husband slumped in  a ball on the bathroom floor sweating like someone dumped a bucket of water over his head, white as a sheet and lifeless.  I tell him to lay down and he doesn't move or respond.  I lay him on the floor and run for my phone. Abi is sitting on the couch and has no idea what is going on so I tell her to stay there and watch her cartoons.  I call 911 and try to clean up the blood on Kris face from the gash in his nose.  I'm trying to stay calm, but freaking out inside.  The ambulance comes and they can't get his blood pressure and I watch as he keeps trying to fall out of the chair they put him in.  They put him on a stair stretcher and take him out to the ambulance while I give the EMT his history.  One small moment of oversight and I realize that Abi is alone in the living-room watching her Daddy go out on a stretcher.  I run into the living-room to see her standing on the couch looking out the window with a look of horror on her face and i run to her just as she starts screaming hysterically.  One moment I will always be sad about - that I wasn't there to hold her and explain that all would be well.  I'm so grateful that our neighbors walked in the door right at that moment - it gave Abi a distraction and I so didn't want to be alone at the moment!  Paul sat with us and Mary-Ellen ran to the store to get Abi some Pedialyte and some ginger-ale.  I call Kris Mom and ask her to meet him at the ER - Paul and Mary-Ellen volunteer to watch the kids so I can go, but I'm worried about them being sick to and know Kris is in good hands.  Finally I remember to call the Ped about Abi and the Tylenol - he lets known his displeasure that I didn't take her to the ER like he wanted and tells me its ok to give her more tylenol.  I do slowly and she's able to keep it down and I put her to bed. I called my parents and Daddy came to spend the night with us.  I'm so glad to have someone around at the moment!  I call Kris parents and talk to Kris for a few minutes.  He sounds so much better and tells me to get some rest.  I finally fall asleep on the couch at 11pm and wake up when Kris gets home at 1am.  I was so happy to see him, but I'm a bit embarrassed by my bodies response.  We talked for a few minutes till I realized i was about to pass out.  I had to lay on the bed to get some blood to my head.  I think seeing him just finally let me deal with my feelings from earlier in the evening!
Sun 3/18   Abi is way too lethargic today.  Won't eat or drink - we head to the ER.  They basically send us home with zofran and tell us again to "wait it out."  Kris spends the entire day on the pooper and I'm worried about more dehydration...  He just doesn't look good.  :(  In the evening Abi starts crying, moaning and complaining about tummy pain.  I call the Ped again and they are hopeful that this is just the end of everything "working its way through."  After a couple hours she passes huge amounts of gas and has some diarrhea.  She now feels fine and we play "games in the closet."  Its her favorite evening thing to do and I'm so happy to see her acting good!  I put her to bed and Kris and I head to bed shortly after.  Abi's fever has finally broken and she is sleeping well. First decent night of sleep for me in weeks!!!
Mon 3/20   Abi and Danny both ate something for breakfast!!!  Kris looks and feels SO much better.  He even decides to go to work the second half of the day.  Hopefully he won't be completely wiped out when he gets home!


There is chicken-noodle soup cooking on the stove, the bathroom has been thoroughly disinfected, and there is a glimmer of hope in my heart for the first time in 18 days!  THANK YOU GOD!!!

Beatitudes For Parents

Blessed are those parents who make their peace with spilled milk and mud, for of such is the kingdom of childhood.

Blessed is the parent who engages not in the comparison of his child with others, for precious unto each is the rhythm of his own growth.

Blessed are the fathers and mothers who have learned laughter, for it is the music of the child's world.

Blessed and wise are those parents who understand the goodness of time, for they make it not a sword that kills growth but a shield to protect.

Blessed and mature are they who without anger can say "no," for comforting to the child is the security of firm decisions.

Blessed is the gift of consistency, for it is heart's-ease in childhood.

Blessed are they who accept the awkwardness of growth, for they are aware of the choice between marred furnishings and damaged personalities.

Blessed are the teachable, for knowledge brings understanding, and understanding brings love.

Blessed are the men and women who in the midst of the unpromising mundane, give love, for they bestow the greatest of all gifts to each other, to their children, and -- in an ever-widening circle -- to their fellow men.

Blessed are those who read these words...but more blessed will be they who follow them!

Husband

Husband 

I'm a little sad that I'm writing this today - a day that we're "supposed" to say nice things... Sad only because I wish I remembered every day to let you know what you mean to me.

You bless me in more ways than I can ever say.

I've spent this past week meditating on all the ways that my life is better because you are in it.

You are my best friend.

I didn't know it was possible to have a wonderful marriage and that to your best friend until 

God gave me you.

I get a little clingy, but I want to spend ALL my time with you. 

I still get excited every time I see you come in the door.

Your constant care for me and our kids and your selflessness in making things easier for me

does not go unnoticed.

I'm a very lucky girl.

I watch you with our kids and my heart swells with pride to know they have you for their Dad.

They will grow up to understand what a good relationship with their Heavenly Father is

because of the example you set so wonderfully here.

I love parenting with you.

You support me, guide me, encourage me - daily.

I love worshiping with you and serving our Lord together.

I'm proud beyond words to be by your side.

Thank you for choosing me to walk through life with - I know every day how blessed I am.

I love you!

Question...

DDoes anyone actually read this blog if I do have two seconds to post?

Yuck!!

Dear Son,
It's not like I don't feed you... You eat twice as much as your sister! Please stop eating out if the garbage! 3 times in 2 days - so so gross!!
Sincerely,
You Mamma

Opish

I got an e-mail from Morgan the other day - asking if I remembered a language in which there was an "op" following every consonant and where it came from...  Sure do!  And it brought back happy memories.  :)  I love happy memories.  I called Grandmommy to confirm and her delightful laugh was all I needed.  I so remember her teaching us to speak it and all the laughing involved!  I hope one day that I can teach my own grand kids such cool things and give them memories to last a lifetime!
Until my next post,
Jopesopsopamopyopnop Lopauropelop (Goparopnoperop) Mopilopo

Randoms...

- Danny started giving kisses finally and I'm in love all over.
- Little boys should learn about gravity before learning to climb.
- I'm totally overjoyed today that Christmas is saved!! :) Abi wanted a Lalaloopsy silly hair doll in the worst way and they are sold out all over the country and on line! Though I was originally against getting one (cause they're stoopit!), I was so disappointedly that I couldn't find one anywhere - she tells us that she "wishes she had one of those" all the time! Auntie Beth found one in Michigan today and is mailing it to us! Yay!!!
- I love the feel of the keys on my wireless keyboard.
- I'm dreaming about the possibility (hope) of having all my siblings together for Thanksgiving or Christmas next year... It will have been 5 years by that point.
- I wish I had a lot more time for doing crafts... I have so many things that i want to do...
- Having little children is hard. I love them to death. I wish that it was easier. (at times.)
- I hope that we will have snow for Christmas and I can't believe I'm saying that! It has been an unbelievably warm and wonderful Fall, but I guess I do still have a little bit of a child in me somewhere - there must be snow for Christmas!!
- Abi sang a couple songs with her Sunday school class for the Christmas program at church! I've never been so proud!! Its so funny... Up till this year I always watch and wonder why they have the 3 year olds sing - they pretty much just look around and stare into the lights like deer. But how stinkin cute!!! I was a weepy mess of pride! My baby girl sang and she new all the words and it was more precious than imaginable!!!
- I have noticed that my OCD tendencies are lessening as I have kids. However, sometimes I worry that I passed them on a little too strongly to my daughter! ;) Gosh I love her.
- I love to watch my kids sleep. Yup - I'm that Mom... They are so perfect and cuddly and wonderful laying there in perfect calm. I want to soak up every moment and never forget.
- I'm wondering if the kids are allergic to dogs... this would actually make me really sad. We were at my parents for dinner Sunday. Abi got her face licked and her face turned fiery red - could just be sensitive skin, but then she was all itchy! Danny was sneezing the whole time... Even though we don't have a dog (or even want one right now), I'd still be sad. In my head it is somehow really important for kids to have a dog!

...OK - that's enough random thoughts for now...